Where do I find worth? Do I find it in my appearance or in my attempts to lose baby weight? Is it value found in relationships? How do I value myself as a person and as a woman? And where do I find answers to these questions?
I’m surrounded by media telling me that I am not valuable unless I look a certain way or have the right kind of home with a certain type of decor. I should have this type of relationship with a specific kind of looking partner and we should be doing these sorts of activities in bed — I’m looking at you Cosmo. I should adopt a prescribed set of political stand points in order to have the right kind of intellectual thoughts and savviness. And I should know how to cook the right ingredients as stated by those who eat clean. Or whatever. I need to pin via Pinterest the affirming quotes that remind me to be my own person and to not listen to naysayers. Find the quotes that tell me to be strong in the face of trials and when facing those who try to force me into the majority — not noticing the irony in seeing how many repins those same quotes have onto thousands of boards by people just like me.
Then, and only then, will my worth be found and I am valuable. Yet this doesn’t seem right.
So why do I feel so hollow?
Because for all the worth I find in these places I lose my sense of self. It’s not worth I would potentially find, I would be finding some sort of validation that should be coming from myself. I should be adding to my own sense of worth, not finding it somewhere else. I should be seeking out my own self-value not seeking out people or things to fill a hollowness.
It saddens me to see this place around me, this life around me, filled with beautiful people who want so much to be valued and worth something. Who ache so much to be seen a certain way that they have no idea they are waving around an imaginary price tag.
Love is so hard, isn’t it? Especially when loving ourselves.