Shooting Blanks

Trust30:  Day 14
Create a vivid picture of exactly where you want to go. Dream big, then don’t let anything or anyone stop you.

I really don’t know where I want to go.  When I try to visualize myself all I see is Tom Hank’s character standing at the crossroads in that horribly stupid movie Castaway (worst movie ever).  If I keep visualizing in this fashion I just know It Will Not End Well.

I do know that when I allow myself to dream, even medium-sized, it does include me actually finishing something I have written.  At this point, it would be anything.  I will even accept one short story.  Just one.  This may be a very small goal for some, but for me it would be in the “Kind of a Big Deal” category.  

I am so paralyzed by my own fears of finishing anything that I can no longer move myself to write.  It is truly like a real life expression of nightmares in which the monster comes for you and you can not move. I have no knowledge of where this fear comes from, I just know that it exists.  As I’ve mentioned before, I can toss off blog posts with reckless abandon — some with more recklessness than others.  But when it comes to what I deem as a substantive piece of fiction, I can’t do it.  I can’t move.  I know that Anything can’t stop me and neither can Anyone.  It’s just Me I am dealing with, and I am the worst at moving out of My way.  

And don’t think I haven’t tried.  I’ve counted the blinking cursor so many times it has become a gift.  I’ve filled notebooks with story ideas.  I can not execute them.

I am impotent.

So yes, this is my big dream.  To write something until it is finished.  It might not be a large dream, but it is my medium dream.  Besides, everyone knows that when you order something medium it comes out large anyway, so it still counts.

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new.
~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

C. Streetlights
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Published by C. Streetlights

I wrote and illustrated my first bestseller, "The Lovely Unicorn" in the second grade and I've been terrified of success ever since. Published by ShadowTeamsNYC and represented by Lisa Hagen Books