Resurrecting a Past

Trust30:  Day 9
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

There is much about our lives, I think, that would be ‘too scary’ to write about.  It is as if the very thought of putting the words to paper would give them life and give the memories life again, put them in positions of power over us.  Perhaps, though, it is the opposite, and by writing things down the memories become only that — figments that can eventually blow away.  

I have many things I don’t want to risk immortalizing, ghosts I would rather leave behind.  However I once took a risk while participating in a blog challenge.

I struggle, so often, with knowing who I am. I know my titles. I know my roles. But who I am, really, is a mystery to me.  The biggest inner struggle I have, you see, is this enigmatic virtue of “pretty”.

 Pretty.   

I don’t feel that “pretty” ever applied to me, and it is something I have always rejected.  I never wanted it.  It is something I didn’t care to match to my outfit each morning along with my skirt and earrings.  I also don’t bother with its sister, Beautiful, or any of their cousins. I have long ignored such things since I was 19, when I was told that “being pretty” was the reason something happened and made it my fault. Somehow I believed him and I’ve never had much time for Pretty since. 

Pretty.

So where do I want go with Pretty?  Well, I’m not so sure.  Pretty and I have had issues over the years.  I’m not sure if ours is a relationship that can reconcile.  And yet, it’s not really Pretty’s fault. It was abused just as violently as I was that late afternoon.  If Pretty had had a choice, it would have said no just as I had. So, really, I shouldn’t blame Pretty.  Truthfully, I shouldn’t blame Beautiful either.
Secretly, I enjoy the beauty and splendor in other things and in other people.  I love to breathe in the prettiness of the sky and hold in the joy of flowers.  But me? No. Pretty and I have not been friends.  We are the neighbors who cautiously wave at each other from our cars when we drive past each other. Awkward Pause is our mutual companion. 

I’m not quite sure how to reconcile myself with Pretty.  I would like to do so.  I would like to look at myself in the mirror and, instead of just seeing a face on which to apply make-up, see Pretty there.  I would like Pretty to be able to hold my hand without me pulling it away again. 

Sitting there and looking pretty… is it even possible, I wonder? I have no idea.

And so, I’ve invited ‘too scary’ again.  I will quickly hit “publish” before I decide against it.

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

~~Ralph Waldo Emerson 
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Published by C. Streetlights

I wrote and illustrated my first bestseller, "The Lovely Unicorn" in the second grade and I've been terrified of success ever since. Published by ShadowTeamsNYC and represented by Lisa Hagen Books

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