hinges and bricks

Friendship.  What kind of friend were you in 2011?  What kind of friend do you want to be in 2012?

Friendship is a door I struggle with opening.  I’d much rather watch it from the window, studying it in other people.  It seems so much easier for others, to engage in chatter and have shared interests.  I don’t know how to do that.  I have a great many acquaintances but I am not sure if I have many friends.  I keep myself closed off because it’s safer to just rely on myself; I don’t ever betray myself.  My secrets are kept as my own and I can’t reach my back in order to stab it.

And yet, at the same time, the few friends I do have I let the door swing open wide.  There is no in between for me.  This door is either slammed shut or I tear off the hinges and welcome people in.  I don’t peek through it while it is ajar.  My friends are open to all of me and I love to do for them.  

This last year I felt a great deal of guilt in terms of my friendships.  I went through cycles of shutting people out and letting people in.  It was a struggle.  I spent a lot of time in bed and couldn’t exactly nurture relationships like I wanted to.  Yet, at the same time, my friends bossed their way in just as I would.  They texted and Facebooked me.  They randomly stopped by or brought me treats.  And so, in spite of me, friendships were maintained.  

Once upon a time I was an extraordinarily open person.  I made friends wherever I went.  And then I packed up my shingle and went home.  Trusts were shattered and lies were told.  Gossip was spread and malicious words were flung.  I allowed that to start my wall, brick by brick, to surround me.  Slowly throughout last year I began to shuffle bricks around, letting some light in behind the fortress I had constructed, and forced myself to trust again.

This new year, this coming 2012, I hope to find myself closer to who I was before — someone who loved people and who was open to them.  A person who was eager to forge new relationships and build friendships.  I don’t want to just be a better friend; I want to be Better.

C. Streetlights
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Published by C. Streetlights

I wrote and illustrated my first bestseller, "The Lovely Unicorn" in the second grade and I've been terrified of success ever since. Published by ShadowTeamsNYC and represented by Lisa Hagen Books

5 thoughts on “hinges and bricks”

  1. Tracy says:

    In many ways, I've done the same. I shut people out a little bit. I was hurt in the last few years by friends I thought were really always going to be there who just stopped for no reason. It is hard to open up again. I have one dear friend who just is so easy to be around. She is a low-maintenance friend who allows me to just relax and "be". It is comforting and welcoming. We are there for each other but it isn't high pressure. It's nice. I have found my community online – with you and so many others to be such a joy to me. You are a blessing to know and I look forward to "visiting" with you more as 2012 unfolds.

  2. Michael says:

    I know the struggle; we need the windows and doors open to get the fresh air of friendship, yet the pollen and dust comes in as well. 2012 promises to be a healthier year for us all.

  3. mark says:

    Being better in general makes all the other "betters" easier to handle, y'know what I mean?

    It's been a treat watching your open up on The Twittah this past year, sharing more of yourself over time. You're good people. Thanks for being my friend.

  4. Noel says:

    I so love that image of flinging the doors open and off their hinges. Here's hoping you find friends worthy of that welcome in 2012.

  5. Jason says:

    friendships are not an easy thing to maintain. Feelings get in the way, there isn't any room to be selfish or needy. It sounds like you have some great friends that saw you through a rough year. Good for you. I may not even answer this one.

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