Friendship is a door I struggle with opening. I’d much rather watch it from the window, studying it in other people. It seems so much easier for others, to engage in chatter and have shared interests. I don’t know how to do that. I have a great many acquaintances but I am not sure if I have many friends. I keep myself closed off because it’s safer to just rely on myself; I don’t ever betray myself. My secrets are kept as my own and I can’t reach my back in order to stab it.
Friendship. What kind of friend were you in 2011? What kind of friend do you want to be in 2012?
And yet, at the same time, the few friends I do have I let the door swing open wide. There is no in between for me. This door is either slammed shut or I tear off the hinges and welcome people in. I don’t peek through it while it is ajar. My friends are open to all of me and I love to do for them.
This last year I felt a great deal of guilt in terms of my friendships. I went through cycles of shutting people out and letting people in. It was a struggle. I spent a lot of time in bed and couldn’t exactly nurture relationships like I wanted to. Yet, at the same time, my friends bossed their way in just as I would. They texted and Facebooked me. They randomly stopped by or brought me treats. And so, in spite of me, friendships were maintained.
Once upon a time I was an extraordinarily open person. I made friends wherever I went. And then I packed up my shingle and went home. Trusts were shattered and lies were told. Gossip was spread and malicious words were flung. I allowed that to start my wall, brick by brick, to surround me. Slowly throughout last year I began to shuffle bricks around, letting some light in behind the fortress I had constructed, and forced myself to trust again.
This new year, this coming 2012, I hope to find myself closer to who I was before — someone who loved people and who was open to them. A person who was eager to forge new relationships and build friendships. I don’t want to just be a better friend; I want to be Better.