So it’s like this…
I’ve had vertigo. I seriously had vertigo. The kind of sickness that people joke about. This is the sickness that, when I was a receptionist for a general contractor, we fired a guy for lying about having. He was really home watching soap operas in his underwear and drinking beer all day.
I suppose beer would give a guy vertigo. So would soap operas.
But I really had it, and let me tell you:
I woke up on a Friday and my world was spinning, spinning, spinning. I have never felt a dizziness like this before. I literally couldn’t tell which end was up. My head was so heavy, I really wish I could put it in a basket and carry it. Problem is, if I could do that I wouldn’t even be able to carry it anywhere without falling over.
This was a hellish experience.
Friday morning got to be so bad, I had to crawl around my house. I.am.NOT.exaggerating. I was crawling on my hands and knees because the floor was the only thing I could rely on.
(and we won’t even discuss the vomiting. please.)
This was such a horrific experience. I was able to get Ethan off to school, myself to bed and I just laid there — drifting in and out of sleep throughout the day. A doctor’s visit was somewhere in between. Two inner-ear infections behind each ear drum. A viral infection which meant no antibiotic. I had no choice but to rely on my own body to heal itself.
Did I mention I was crawling on the floor? Crawling.
A person does a lot of thinking when she is laying on her bed in the fetal position, eyes closed, praying for her equilibrium to be restored. My thinking centered on two different themes: my body and crawling.
- Sometimes I have to put faith in my own body, even when it feels like my body has failed me. This has been hard for me lately, for many different reasons, as I’ve dealt with various issues. Wanting a baby, for example, and dealing with anxiety is another. Vertigo kicked me in the butt. You’d think the least my body could do was keep me balanced. (And off the floor.)
- Speaking of the floor… as I became intimately involved with the floor, I thought about how there have been times when I’ve had to crawl simply because I wasn’t able to walk. And, really, there isn’t anything wrong with that. Crawling forces you to rely on your foundation. It reminds you to be humble because it forces you to be humble.
I can’t say I ever want vertigo again, because I don’t. Not ever. However, once I left the crawling stage and was able to get back to my walking I realized crawling was easier than walking — especially since I walked as if I were inebriated. But I couldn’t crawl forever; I had to move on.
I have to move on. The hardest five words I’ve ever had to say.
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6 thoughts on “.crawling before walking.”
Great post. Nicely told.
Glad you're better! That sounds horrific. That's the way my boss's wife explained it also. So glad that's over!
Isn't it amazing how some of our best writing – and life lessons – come from horrific experiences?
I hate feeling dizzy and have only suffered bits of this at the beginning of a rare hormone induced migraine. This sounds like my worst nightmare. I am so glad you're (sort of) able to laugh and turn it into something…
what jeanne said.
i have never had vertigo like that, but when i have a migraine it is much the same, trapped in a body that won't do what you want it to, nothing to do but lie there and think.
i hope you are better now, and i do wish that we were closer, i would have come and helped you crawl, or at least brought knee pads.
well, this is one of the most profound, most layered pieces i've ever read.humor – on my god, that first section about firing the guy? fun. knee. and then . . . spinning, fetal position, foundations, crawling, equilibrium, faith in your body. i'm sorry you had vertigo – i hear it's worse than awful. but, lord, my friend. what a fantastic piece of writing came from it. thank you.
and feel better. soon.
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